TRUE STORIES OF HEROES' BRAVE BATTLES

BRAVE SOUL OF DECEMBER 2000: BERNARD

This month, we travel to Santa’s Workshop to hear an elf’s brave tale.

darby: Bernard, take our readers back to that fateful day.

Bernard: We elves had to pull a few all-nighters because Christmas was just around the corner. A lot of people don’t know this, but Santa is an ass. He and Mrs. Claus have been separated for over a year, but for PR reasons they stay together.

d: Can we just focus on the night in question?

B: Sorry. Like I was saying, Christmas was on its way--

d: Actually, you said, “Christmas was just around the corner.”

B: Do you want to hear this or not?

Unsure if Christmas was “just around the corner” or merely “on its way”, the interview continues.

B: It was close to Christmas when we realized one of our doll machines had been producing defective dolls.

d: Defective?

B: Yeah. Defective. The dolls had both male and female sex organs.

How could it be? Was this a freak of toy science, or just a natural step in the evolution of a toy?

B: We were in deep shit. Santa was sloshed, and wouldn’t be pleased with these new dolls. We didn’t have much time, and a shipment had already been loaded on the sleigh.

Would Bernard and the elves find the defective dolls before they were delivered? Is the world ready for a toy hermaphrodite? Would Santa run out of malt liquor?

B: What?

d: Don’t keep us in suspense. What happened?

B: Oh, we found the dolls before the fat drunk found out. You know, you people are really lucky he only comes out once a year.

d: So, everything worked out for the best?

B: Yeah. It turned out there was a shipment on the sleigh, but it went to San Francisco, so there were never any complaints.

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