I might have a little trouble getting my column in to you on time this month. Last night I watched ten officers take down some guy firing a machine gun out in front of my apartment. I assure you this was nothing like the time I told you the bear got into my refrigerator, or the time somebody put something in my drink. This really happened.

I mean, all of those things really happened, and I was always late for good reason. But this sort of troubled my being, if you know what I mean. Either way, I'm going to be about an hour outside of Nashville in an abandoned barn for a while. I'm taking a correspondence course about learning piano tuning, and I've got some liquid companionship, so there's no need to worry about me.

I should be back in the office in a few weeks, fresh and ready for the next issue. Why don't you just re-run that column I did comparing blowjobs to Henrik Ibsen's Enemy of the State? That was a pretty good one.

By the way, do you know anyone who needs their piano tuned?

Best,

- Franklin Furter

HAVING PROBLEMS WITH MATTERS OF YOUR HEART? EMAIL FRANKLIN HERE FOR ALL THE ANSWERS.