This month, I’m reviewing the best film about tweakers you never got to see. Last year, Warner Brothers, in their infinite wisdom, chose to barely release this excellent Val Kilmer flick, The Salton Sea. Instead of putting out this gritty film noir tale about an undercover widower out to avenge his wife’s murder by methamphetamine addicts (or “tweakers”), Warner Bros. released and pushed pieces of total shit like FEARdot.com and Kangaroo Jack. The Salton Sea never even made it to a Columbus screen! I should know. I was camped out like a Jedi geek waiting for this movie. I asked employees of several theaters when it was coming, and they just looked at me blankly, like they only got paid minimum wage. The Salton Sea has so much going for it, even if you’re not a Kilmer fan. The cast alone is worth the rental– some of the greatest actors of our time: Vincent D’Onofrio (Law and Order: CI), Luis Guzman (Magnolia), Adam Goldberg (Saving Private Ryan) and Danny Trejo (Desperado). An almost unrecognizable D’Onofrio steals every scene, playing drug lord Pooh-Bear, who has done so much crank, it’s eaten away his nose and sanity. Pooh-Bear is the sickest, most watchable psycho since Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet. If this movie doesn’t become a cult classic for his performance alone, I will be very shocked. Imagine Kilmer’s penis being terrorized by a rabid badger named Captain Stubing, or a heist of Bob Hope’s shit planned by a bunch of druggies. Hell yeah, you want to see this movie now, don’t you? So let Warner Brothers know you want more movies like this, and burn down any theater that plays shit like FEARdot.com and Kangaroo Jack instead.

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